photo by www.photographybyjoelle.com
There are things I notice about people after having triplets that I would have been skeptical of had I not witnessed them first-hand: strangers unabashedly asking personal questions about my fertility; strangers unreservedly sharing personal information about their own fertility or that of their friends and relatives; strangers, acquaintances, and friends alike comparing their own experiences with my own and ultimately concluding that they are close to one and the same. What mother of multiples has not heard some version of “well my sister had three kids under four so it was pretty much the same as triplets,” or “my kids are only 17 months apart so I know what it’s like to have twins”?
I would like to suggest that having multiple children in quick succession is not the same as having twins, or triplets, or any other high order multiples. I have no doubt that having kids one right after another comes with challenges and struggles and hair-raising moments. But it is its own version of hard, not a mirror image of what it’s like to have the same number of children all on the same day.
I find this tendency for people to compare their experience to mine interesting because I think it points to a greater need in all of us to relate to the people around us. We see something striking and we want to share in the experience somehow. We want to connect and recognize our similarities. We desire community; we run from being alone.
And yet in our desire to connect with the very people who grab our attention, our misplaced efforts to relate to them can often lead to alienating them further. I try to be receptive and gracious to people who comment on my family situation and draw me to in to a story about their own, but I’ll admit I bristle every time someone who does not have triplets has the temerity to tell me that they know what it’s like. They don’t. Any more than I know what it’s like to have a three year old, a toddler, and an infant. I can imagine, and empathize, and I may have more insight than someone with kids spaced further apart. But as soon as someone claims an unearned knowledge of my experience, my immediate response is to think they don’t have a clue. Because if they had a clue, they would recognize how very unique my situation is. They would recognize how very unique their own situation is. And there wouldn’t be a need to pretend they are the same in order to find common ground enough forge a connection through our mutually unique yet resonant situations.
I suppose my own objection to this kind of familiarity–this presumption that someone not me knows what it’s like to be me–is an echo of my desire to be known. Who but our creator can imagine what it’s like to live someone else’s life? Who but Jesus knows what it’s like to adopt another persona as one’s own and live it through with all its consequences? While I stand on my high horse and say no one knows what it’s like to be me, I also recognize that I don’t know what it’s like to be anyone else. How many moms out there have received unwanted, unsolicited parenting advice from someone who thought they knew exactly what you needed to do? Most of us can relate to that experience I think. But how many of us are willing to admit we’ve been the one giving unsolicited advice, to the chagrin of our recipient? It takes humility to say to someone “tell me what you’re going through, because I just don’t know.” It takes even more humility to listen and to allow the answer to be different than what we expected.
I think as mothers it is crucial that we listen to one another and support one another. I don’t need my friends to have the same experience I have. I just need them to be willing to hear about my perspective. And I need to be willing to hear about theirs. There’s no need to compete for the My-Life-Is-Harder-Than-Yours award when we all recognize that hard is a subjective experience. Personally I find that parenting three three-year-olds is a whole lot more challenging than parenting three preemie infants, but that’s just me. I can’t count the number of people who assured me in those early days and weeks that “it will get easier.” I suppose some people would rather take defiant preschoolers over massive sleep deprivation any day, but to me it just underscores how everything we go through as parents is shaped by our individual perspective. Maybe it’s time we just acknowledge that sometimes life is hard, with three kids or five or one, and support each other through the trials.
I just loved this post, Carrington! Having triplets myself, I agree that had I not witnessed the crazy and sometimes wildly inappropriate things that people do and say to complete strangers about their life situation, I wouldn’t believe you. But I have witnessed all those same questions/comments and ones that are even more bizarre– as I’m sure you have as well.
How perceptive of you to conclude that it is a desire to connect with others that drives a person to make such comments. I would not have thought of that, but you are probably right!
I struggle- greatly- with the “My-life-is-harder-than-yours” game. It drives me absolutely bonkers when someone with one or two children complains about the amount of laundry they have or the amount of housework that they do… because, if they only knew HOW MUCH WORK I DID, they would keep their mouths shut. How ungracious of me! It is something that I am honestly working on though. Because I know that motherhood is just hard. No matter how many children you have, so why do I feel the need to compare? I’m absolutely certain that pride is wrapped up in there somewhere.
And by the way, since you and I both have triplets, our lives actually ARE identical. =) And I completely agree with you that dealing with 3 infants is FAR easier than dealing with 3 toddlers. I think the hardest part was ages 18 months to about 3.5 years. 4 years old is awesome. =)
I’m just waiting for age 4 to roll around. I think age 3 has by far been the hardest, but of course I say that without any idea of what the future holds!
I’ve often struggled from the other side of the competition about how hard life is. I feel like people are less inclined to share with me their struggles because I have triplets, as in “oh man, I’m having a hard time, but it can’t compare to what you must be going through with three!” I get that less and less as the kids get older (now it’s more like people think things must have gotten easier by now. Which is SO not the case!), but I struggle with that because I don’t want people to think I’m constantly judging them based on what they struggle with. I don’t know what it’s like to have just one baby, but I’m sure if that’s what I’d started out with I would have found it plenty challenging. We all only know what we know. I just wish we could let go of the comparisons and just hear each other out. Some days I do great with triplets, some days I make a mess of it, but I’d hate to think I couldn’t talk to you about it because you have two older boys so my life can’t possibly compare to yours. It seems the family of Christ has to be a safe place to be vulnerable, no matter what your situation.
Sigh! Have you been following me around? I do not know what it is like to have triplets, but I do know what it is like to have twins. I love this post. Thank you for putting my thoughts into words.
I get a lot of “your hands are full”, and yes they are, but what I hear is “man, I’m glad I’m not her.” When I wish I could hear something encouraging. Anytime I go to the store I have to psyche myself up and remind myself to be cordial to people who just are curious. I have to remind myself that I am blessed to have two beautiful, healthy, baby girls. And who could forget my very helpful four-year-old son. I am right there with you on the odd and personal questions people ask. I fool myself into thinking sometimes that I will be able to go into and store and get out quickly… Ha! Because I will always have that-lady-with-the-story.
You are so right. Everyone’s experience is different and we should be able to learn from everyone. As long as each person can come to the table without the competing spirit. I think some people are so wrapped into their own little worlds that it is hard to come up for air and realize what they are saying.
Another daily struggle to give up to God.
Great post, Carrington. I have a 16 mo old and I’m 15 weeks pregnant so I don’t know what it’s like to have triplets but I can only imagine and empathize you.
I love what you have to say about people desiring community and also being able to take the time to listen to someone even though their answer might not be what you expected. I think this is something that alot of us need to work on. I have been struggling with feeling like I can’t really tell people how I’m doing because they won’t want to hear the answer. When people at work say, “how are you doin’?” I usually don’t answer and change the subject because I’ve been super sick lately and I don’t think that they will really care. Though it’s not anywhere near as bad now as it was when I was grieving over the loss of my baby. I really couldn’t answer then.
Anyway, thanks for your insight.
I love the line about getting all those kids on the same day. that made me need to catch my breath a little. And reminds me of when (before children) I some how assumed sleeping into my imagination of you nursing babies non-stop. I know better now. (or maybe I don’t–maybe there is some trick mother’s of triplets have that I can’t imagine). It is also a good reminder from you and your commenters to try to keep my curiosity to myself when possible. Love you friend!
I know how you feel Carrington and I empathize – I really do. I am now the single mother of triplets and I can barely say it out loud but one good thing is we didn’t have one first and have to adjust to triplets after that =) We adjusted and it’s our “normal”. I look at my children every day and most of the time forget they are triplets – they are my kiddos and I try to convince everyone else, they are just 3 kids who happened to be born on the same day. When they get into school, everyone refers to them as the triplets or ABC or whatever. That is the struggle at 5. And, just between you and me, 4 was our tough year =) Sorry! They gain independence and find the edges of the envelope and soak up every word and phrase and behavior they see or hear – it’s amazing, often humorous, and sometimes downright trying =) Love you!
Wow, I’m loving all the great comments!
Selena, I can relate to wishing people had encouraging things to say. We used to live in Manhattan and it was really interesting to note that in midtown the vibe is busy, business focused, fast paced and the comments we got were always “wow, you’ve got your hands full,” or “sheesh that must be a lot of work.” On the other hand, in our Harlem neighborhood where as a caucasian family we were in the minority the comments were almost always “God bless you! What a beautiful family!” It really struck my husband and I how our little petri dish of experience showed us that cultures originating from the non-western world were far more apt to think multiples was a blessing. Children were always seen as a blessing. We loved the positive feedback!
Rachel, I think you’re right that the majority of people who ask how we’re doing aren’t really prepared for an in depth or fully honest answer, nor are most people prepared to offer them one. Our culture does not breed intimacy in that regard, in my opinion. But I hope you are able to find at least a small number of confidants you can go to who really want to hear what you have to say. I remember feeling self-consious for some time during my pregnancy because I was having labored breathing and heart palpitations enough for my OB to send me to a cardiologist to get checked out. On the one hand it seemed scary and serious, on the other hand I mostly felt fine, just always out of breath with my heart pounding. When my boss somehow found out she was so shocked and concerned, but i had just felt too unsure how to think of things myself to let more than my husband really know what was going on at the time. It’s complicated, for sure.
Megan, please don’t keep your curiosity completely hidden! At least not from me, though I can’t speak for other mothers of multiples. I hope my essay makes it clear enough that the curiosity is largely welcome, as long as the inquirer is prepared to be receptive to the answer. I have never felt the least bit bothered by your questions or inquiries. And I admit that even I, at this point, sometimes wonder how I nursed three infants and didn’t collapse form sheet exhaustion. God’s mercies are new every morning.
and Gayle, I too try to think of my kids as just three kids who happen to be born on the same day. Though I struggle with that somewhat, because as much as it is completely true that they are all very individual and separate, there’s no question that they have something special not common to siblings born at different times. I wonder if part of my difficulty in grasping the uniqueness of multiples for myself is because we don’t have a category for both independent and interdepedent in our culture today. We like things black and white–they are either the same or different, a group entity or completely separate. And yet with multiples it is never so cut and dried. Multiples are unique, are individuals, are people unto themselves, and yet there’s no mistaking that part of the experience that speaks to and shapes who they are is the fact that they come in a group of same age siblings. It is difficult to grasp, for me anyway, which is why I think I find this topic fascinating. To say I have triplets seems to deny some of their individual uniqueness, yet to say I have three kids seems to deny some of the very essence of who they are as it relates to the most important relationships in their lives.