photo by gogoloopie

In response to my “Post about nothing” on Tuesday, I got a great email from Christi with a question and suggestion for a post:

I’ve been reading a lot of blogs lately about treasuring our time with our kids, being present, using the time we have wisely.  I deal with mommy-guilt on a daily basis…. Not playing with my kids enough, lazy meal planning, spending too much time on the computer, wanting to clean up a little before I feel peaceful enough to spend time with my precious girls.  In college, I couldn’t study until my room was straightened up, so have a crazy, messy home is tough for me.  I’m most at peace when it’s clean, but I struggle with the balance of being present in the midst of the mess.

Thank you so much Christi for your email.  I know that this is a very common “problem”…  In fact, I struggle greatly with these things, so I can very personally relate to what you are saying.  I’m going to tackle this as two separate issues.  #1 Issues of “mommy-guilt” as you so appropriately put it and comparing ourselves with others and/or being weighed down with advice.  #2 would be issues of trying to balance taking care of your home and taking care of your kids.

I think that I’m going to start with the second issue.  First off, I’m just going to tell you that it’s hard.  Personally, I struggle with this issue in a few different ways.  Growing up, my house was never clean.  And I hated it.  So when I got married and got my own home to take care of, I desperately wanted to do a better job than what I grew up with, but I had no idea how to do it.  My husband  on the other hand, grew up in a house where his mom did a good job keeping a clean house and so that is what he was used to.  To say that it has caused conflict is putting it mildly.

Over the years, I have become better.  Much better.  But in no way is my home ever spotless.  But I now understand the value of having order in your home, and it is sometimes easy to become obsessive about it.  And really, order is what you should strive for as opposed to magazine-cover clean.  I wrote a post a while ago kind of detailing out what my daily cleaning schedule is, which I will link HERE if you think that would be helpful to you.  It really kind of comes down to spreading out your laundry and cleaning into manageable bits each day, daily doing things like picking up the living room (or wherever you spend the most time) and the kitchen and then being okay with things not being perfect all day, every day.  Find the system that works best for you and your family.

Truthfully, I believe that it is a ministry to your children and your family to keep peace and order in your home.  Everyone does better in that sort of environment.  But there really is a balance you need to find between orderliness and obsession.

Okay… issue #1.  Mommy-guilt.  Reading blogs.  Comparing ourselves to others.  Filtering advice and suggestions.

I will talk generally in a moment.  But first I would like to speak specifically about the issue of spending one on one time with our kids, treasuring them, being present, etc.  (I guess you didn’t exactly mention having one on one time, but I’m guessing that’s part of it…I imagine I’ve been reading a lot of those same blogs.)

Last night I was contemplating through this issue of one on one time.  To be honest, it’s a little bit of a hot-button issue for me right now.  The vast majority of any hesitation that we’ve encountered with our adoption announcement is this question, “How are you going to spend time with all those kids?”  *sigh*

Allow me to be controversial here.  My OPINION, is that I don’t believe that children need consistent one on one time with their parents. *gasp*

Now I’ll explain.  I believe wholeheartedly that children need to feel valued, cherished, and loved.  But think back to any other period of history other than the last 20-30 years.  Do you think our grandparents or great-grandparents were concerned about spending one on one time with their children.  Uh, no.  I think that the idea of one on one time is a pop-culture idea that has come, in large part from secular psychology.  I believe that it has come out of this crazy world that we live in where we are so busy in our two income families, or even just running from errand to errand and event to event, that our children were beginning to be neglected.  We are so focused on ourselves and our own lives, that we are not allowing our kids to be kids.  We are not allowing them to just BE.

Somewhere along the way, someone must have noticed this, and come up with this idea to artificially create “quality time” with our children by scheduling them one on one time with their parents.  Otherwise, they’d never see them.  In her book, In Praise of Stay At Home Moms, Dr. Laura says this:

Quality moments occur only when there is quantity time for them to spontaneously occur.

When you are present with your children in an environment where not everything is always scheduled, when you are simply present and aware of what is going on around you, then you have every opportunity to take advantage of those moments with your children that spontaneously occur.  Give spontaneous hugs to your children.  Let them snuggle on your lap.  Invite them into your life- have them help you with dinner prep, or folding laundry.  Have conversations with them and look them in the eye.  Be watchful of situations and be aware when something changes with your children.  If you do this, then you will easier be able to recognize when something might be wrong.  And then you can take steps towards steering into that problem- which, may be a concentrated dose of more one on one time with a particular child.

Most importantly I believe we need to be available and accessible to our kids when they need it.

My post is already super long… so I will try to make the rest of the issue short.  When we read blogs written by other moms about what their suggestions are for how to run your house, or minister to your family, or how to best love your husband, in some ways, I think it’s dangerous.  And that’s coming from me- a blogger, who is giving you advice on how to run your house, minister to your family and how to best love your husband!  It’s of great value to have all this information out there at our fingertips, and these things can truly inspire you to be better at your job.  But I also think that it’s wise to remember a few things.

First of all, most bloggers are speaking about things that they are naturally good at OR things that have worked for them in their specific situation.  So keep in mind that you are going to be gifted in different ways than them.  You might read a blog that has great recipes on it and feel bad because you’re not naturally a great cook.  But then again, you might be good at crafty things, and that blogger might be terrible at crafts.  Everyone talks about the thing that THEY are good at.  Let it inspire you to become better (because we should all be wanting to grow in areas where we are weak), but don’t allow it to make you feel bad because you’re not as good as them.  Also remember that sometimes when they talk about things that have worked for them, they are different people, they have different husbands, different kids, live in a different neighborhood, etc… their advice might not be appropriate for you and your specific situation.

Second, always go back to the Bible.  Read it daily, or at least several times a week.  That is truly the best source of where your advice should come from.  Not from me, not from another blogger.  Pray and ask God for wisdom.  James 1:5 says

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

Lastly, I will say this.  Guilt that makes you feel shame, is not from God.  It is from your enemy, who wishes only to incapacitate you under feelings of shame and regret.  Sometimes we feel guilty because we are honestly wrong about something.  We don’t feel shame, we feel sad and sorry.  That is Godly guilt.  It is God’s kindness that brings us to repentance, and not shame.  That’s how you can tell the difference between something that needs changed, and something that just makes you feel bad.

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