photo by Harley Photo

It’s time! Time to get back to our Mighty Good Man series. If you’re just joining us, this is a series that we are doing based on the book, For Women Only, by Shaunti Feldhahn. You can click on these links for Part 1 and Part 2.

As a woman, when you observe the behavior of a man, do you generally assume confidence or insecurity in their actions? Speaking for myself, I generally assume confidence… but according to the book, that may not actually be the case.

When asked the questions, “How do you feel about your work life?” and “How do you feel when you are asked to do something new in your job?”, roughly 75% of men all said they feel some level of either insecurity, or like they were a fraud hoping that no one would find out. The majority of men have huge feelings of insecurity as they go throughout their day. (Who knew that it wasn’t just women who struggle with insecurity?)

Men also struggle with feeling of always being judged and like the whole world is watching and waiting for them to screw up. There is a huge fear of failure.

You might be thinking, “Well, that is interesting, but what does this have to do with me?”

So I’ll tell you. The feelings of insecurity, of inadequacy, and the fear of failure, doesn’t just stay at work with men. It comes home with them and invades the walls of your home. More than likely, your husband, and mine, have a huge fear of failing as a husband and as a father. “…they secretly worry that they don’t know how to succeed at being a good husband, father, provider or handyman.”

The most important indicator a man has of the job that he’s doing at being these things, is his wife. Is she happy and does she respect him? It just got personal, didn’t it? So then, what can we do as wives to help our husbands to feel secure in his role as the man in our lives?

First of all, we need to affirm him. I am not naturally an encourager, nor am I very good at giving compliments. So this is a hard one for me, but one that I am working on and hopefully getting better at. I thought Shaunti made a really interesting point on the subject of affirmation. She talked about the adulterous woman in Proverbs 7. Not only did she entice him with sex, but she used flattery to entice and convince him. She also quoted a marriage counselor who said this about men and affirmation:

“Affirmation is everything. When a man is affirmed, he can conquer the world. When he’s not, he is sapped of his confidence and even his feeling of manhood. And believe me, he will, consciously or unconsciously, seek out places where he receives affirmation.”

This is the power of our words! Another man said, “It’s all about whether my wife thinks I can do it. A husband can slay dragons, climb mountains, and win victories if he believes that his wife believes that he can.

The reverse also is true. Shaunti says, “If instead of affirming, a wife reinforces her husband’s feelings of inadequacy, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. For example, if we focus our attention on what he is doing wrong in the relationship, we can unwittingly undermine what we want most– for him to do it right.

You know, I was reading a book the other day and at a particular point she was talking about the issue of submission. She said something that has changed my life. Again, she was speaking specifically of submission, but I think it works when it comes to this area as well. She said, “God has given the sphere of authority to men, but He has given the sphere of influence to women.”

That was a light bulb moment for me pertaining to the issue of submission and I would like to write another post about that soon… but I think that it’s important to understand that we have the power of influence in our husbands life. Our words and our actions can influence them for good or for evil.

I’m going to go back to the previous point, where I said that if men don’t find affirmation at home, then on some level they will seek out other places to find it. Before I say what I’m going to say, I just want to clarify something. Every individual person is responsible for his or her own choices, whether they be good or bad. And I am in no way saying that if a husband chooses something sinful, that he gets a “free pass” even if there was a valid reason. My heart is that I want to help you as a wife, have a deeper understanding of why your husband *may* struggle in some areas. If any of these areas are places where your husband struggles, I am NOT putting the blame on you. Because it’s not your fault. However, as they say, “It takes two to tango” and there may be things that you need to take responsibility for in your marriage as well.

“If a man isn’t convinced that his woman thinks he’s the greatest, he will tend to seek affirmation elsewhere. He may spend more hours at work, where he feels alive and on top of his game, or he may spend too much time talking to the admiring female associate. He may immerse himself in watching or playing sports, feeling the the thrill of the competitive rush. Or he may retreat to his workshop or his home office, feeling like he can control things there even if he feels inadequate and clumsy elsewhere.”

Another area where a man can find affirmation is pornography. “For whatever reason, they feel like less than a man, so they seek– and find–affirmation in pornography. As one man pointed out, ‘All those women in the men’s magazines convey one message: I want you, and you are the most desirable man in the world!’ My wife may be nagging me at home, the kids may be disobedient, and I may be worried about messing up at work, but looking at the woman in that picture makes me feel like a man.”

I know that pornography is a HUGE problem. It’s everywhere. I hardly know of a woman, to be honest, who has a husband who has not struggled with this issue in one way or another. And like I said, if this is an issue that you’re working through, I’m NOT blaming you. It’s an issue that your husband is likely going to struggle with no matter how “good” of a wife you are. I just want to help you not make it any more difficult for him than it already is.

So what can we do as wives to be the best helper to our husbands in light of this information? I’m glad you asked.

Make him a haven at home

Our husbands need a place where they can feel safe enough to let their guard down. “We may think that the adage ‘his home must be his haven’ is antiquated and unnecessary these days but that is far from the truth. In fact, as the workplace has gotten harsher and less loyal, more demanding and less tolerant of mistakes, I’d say it’s even more important that a man’s home be a haven.”

Have sex for goodness sake

Having sex with your husband is such a huge way to show him that we accept him and give him affirmation. One man said, “The role of sex cannot be over-stated. A great sex life will overshadow and overcome a multitude of impostor messages from the world.”

Build his confidence

We need to understand that we have the power to change our husband’s feelings about inadequacy! “By staunchly supporting our men, showing that we believe in them, and providing an emotionally safe environment to come home to, we can help give them at least the emotional confidence they need to dive back into the daily workplace fray.”

“It’s not about being the supportive ‘little woman.’ It’s about sending the man we love into the world every day, alive with the belief that he can slay dragons.

That’s the kind of wife I want to be… How about you?

*All quotes in this post are from the book, For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn unless otherwise noted. My post does not go into nearly the depth that her book does. If you would like more detailed information, I would recommend buying the book. You may click on this link below to buy the book and support Courageous Homekeeping as well!

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