photo by Harley Photo
As you know if you’ve been reading Courageous Homekeeping for any length of time, we are going chapter by chapter through the book, For Women Only, by Shaunti Feldhahn. If you’re new to our series, you have time to go catch up: Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.
I’m going to be honest with you all. I have trouble believing this next chapter could possibly be true on a large scale. This chapter is all about the pressure that men feel, by and large, to be the provider for their families. I believe that Biblically, it is the primary responsibility for a man to provide for his family. (See 1 Timothy 5:8) However, it seems as though, from my little perspective, there are so few men left out there who actually believe this and take it to heart. At least based on actions that can be seen. While I understand that we are not to judge because it is only God that can truly see the heart of a person, it is also true (I think!) that actions speak louder than words.
In my experience, there seem to be far more “boys” out there who would rather play video games, or work contentedly in jobs that don’t provide for their families because they are too scared or lazy to “man up” and shoulder the burden, which therefore transfers some of their responsibility to provide for their family, over to their wives for her to bear with him… in addition to everything that she is already bearing. From the perspective of being a woman, I get so angry at situations like this. It stresses women out. It creates burdens where there should not be any. It takes us away from our families, where we are supposed to be. It creates tension in our marriages. And we end up stressed out, over scheduled, over burdened, overwhelmed and end up dying from heart attacks because we are doing things that God never created for us to have to do.
*Ahem*
Aaaand…. end scene.
Okay moving on. I get a little, okay a lot, angry at those sorts of so-called “men”. And I am so utterly thankful that I am not married to one.
But back to our book. According to For Women Only, when asked the question, “Suppose your wife/significant other earned enough to support your family’s lifestyle. Would you still feel a compulsion to provide for your family?” The answer was 78% yes.
Is that surprising to anyone but me?? Apparently this was true across the board for men of all ages and actually increased when it came to men in minority groups.
Another question that was asked, was how often men thought about their responsibility. 71% of men said that it was often or always on their mind.
According to the book, providing for their families seems to be the core of a man’s identity. He feels that if he is of any worth, he must be providing for his family. Providing for their families makes men feel powerful and they want to be depended on.
What was also interesting to me is that providing for his family is one of the primary ways that man can say, “I love you.” He wants to prove to his wife that he is worthy of her by his ability to provide. This also is a huge source of conflict for some men, when their wives are complaining about them working too much. One man said: ”You want me home more, yet you want a new house, nice things, substantial income, etc. Please understand the catch-22 I am in.” The majority of men said that they didn’t want to be away from their families as much as they were, but felt like they had to sacrifice in order to be a good provider.
So, as a woman and a wife, how do we respond to this? Well, Shaunti suggests the obvious, to think about our areas of conflict with our husbands. If an area of conflict is that he works too much, perhaps we could re-evaluate the situation from his perspective. His perspective is likely that he wants to be able to feel worthy of you and take care of you, and he may not know of any other way to do this.
Another thing we can do as women, is instead of blaming or pressuring him to do more during a difficult financial season, we should figure out the best way to support him. Make sure that he understands that we are 100% behind him and that we believe that he can and will take care of it. Be willing to make sacrifices cheerfully to not put more pressure on him. Shaunti suggests making sure that we are casting our cares for provision on the Lord instead of our men.
I think that she is very right in that advice. We do need to make sure that we are not burdening our husbands with our selfish demands, or desires. We need to be placing our trust in God for His provision. We need to partner with our husbands and be a support to him and not a weight. The best thing we can do I think, is to constantly make sure that we are telling them how much we appreciate them, how much we support them and how much we believe in them. They need to know that we are on the same team.
Just the other day, Josh and I were talking about our finances. I’ve mentioned casually before, but we have decided (almost 100%) that we are going to adopt. We don’t know any specifics yet, but are heavily in the researching and praying process and waiting for God to tell us what the next step is. As we were looking down the road and doing some financial planning, we were recognizing that there are a lot of financial obstacles to overcome. Josh asked me in the process of this, “Do you have faith in me that I can make enough money for us to not only adopt, but support more kids in our family?” My answer, “Absolutely.” It’s a big burden for him to bear and he needs to know that I’m on board, and that I believe in him. And I do. I totally do. I believe in him, but even more importantly, I believe in a BIG God, who will give us what we need in order to do what He wants us to do.
So, I’m curious about what you all think about this. In your experiences is this what you have observed in men? Or does this surprise you as much as it does me?
*All quotes in this post are from the book, For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn unless otherwise noted. My post does not go into nearly the depth that her book does. If you would like more detailed information, I would recommend buying the book. You may click on this link below to buy the book and support Courageous Homekeeping as well!
I agree, wholeheartedly. I often ask myself, where have all the good men gone. I was married to one of those “boys” who chose his “boy-hood” lifestyle over his family.
I’m very sorry to hear that Stephanie. And I know that you are really, really not alone in that.
This was a great post! I can second Stephanie’s question of where have all the good men gone? I have to have faith that they are still out there and having experienced some “boys” in my life makes me be even more commited to raising my son to be a great man.
I am new to your blog and just had to send you an “Amen Sister!”. You were right ON with every point! I have met so many Moms that wish they had the ability to fully take care of their kids & home but can’t because they have to go out and pick up the slack. I truly Thank God that my husband is a MAN and no matter how hard times have gotten…he always “mans up” and gets it done for our family. Thanks for the great post. I’m looking forward to reading more on Couargeous homekeeping!
Maybe the reason some men throw their responsibilities out the window altogether is because they feel inadequate….? My husband tends to be very extreme about things…… he wants to do something 100% or not at all, so if other guys feel that way, maybe they feel like they can’t do a good job and provide all their families need, so they might as well not try at all. I’m not really sure on that, thankfully my husband understands the importance of providing for his family, and when I read this chapter the first time, I asked him about it. He said that he definitely feels the need to provide for his family. Another friend of mine was a stay-at-home-mom and her husband lost his job and couldn’t find a new one, so she went back to work….. he got really depressed and it was a dark time in their lives, and he finally told her he feels like a failure. He feels like he’s inadequate, since he can’t provide for his family, and he didn’t do all the things that he should have been doing while his wife was working (house work, etc.), because he figured, why bother? He can’t even provide for his family. So I wasn’t surprised at that part at all. But you are definitely right about a lot of men being boys!
I would be really curious to see how Shaunti phrased the question about providing for families. Is it referring strictly to financial provision?
It seems most women feel a compulsion to provide for our families–and usually even stronger than men. For women, however, we have many other socially acceptable ways to meet that pressure and provide for our families. With men, the pressure to provide is very much limited to income and financial provision. Outside of the middle class, industrial, westernized world, the pressure to provide looks very different for both genders.
You guys all have some good thoughts!
Audrey, I have a feeling that you are right about the inadequate thing and the feeling like if they can’t do it well, they won’t do it at all. Although, I think that may be be a “perfectionist” personality trait than a man thing. I know there are plenty of women who can’t keep a clean house because they feel the same way. If I can’t do it perfectly, then why bother doing it all?
Bekah, the questions that Shaunti asked were not necessarily specific to financially providing… it seemed more like the overall need to make sure that they were taking care of their family for providing for their needs. I think you’re right that women do have a strong need and desire to make sure that their families are cared for. I think there’s probably a fine line there, where a woman feels the need to have and offer security to her family. A lot of that is emotional though. Shaunti and her husband wrote a second book, For Men Only that is basically the same idea only about women and they talk about how women need security, but how that doesn’t always mean financial… it has way more to do with emotional security, etc. But finances can play a huge part in that.
You’re also right about different cultures looking different in the providing for their families. I believe this book targeted only Americans, BUT, I can see how it could be cross cultural as well… In other cultures or time periods, the way a man would provide for his family looked different (hunting, farming, etc) but I’m not sure that it changed that drive to make sure his family was taken care of…
I’m reminded of a quote that I read the other day by Elizabeth Elliot, “The more womanly you are, the more manly your husband will want to be.” The fact is, I believe that God built into men and women the need for the opposite sex to be fully who God created them to be. In order for a woman to be feminine, she needs her husband to be masculine. And in order for a man to be masculine, he needs his wife to be feminine. Which sort of puts an interesting spin on this, doesn’t it?
It could be a perfectionist thing, I don’t really know…. but since guys tend to feel like they’re faking it or inadequate, maybe that’s what drives it more than the perfectionist trait. It would be a perfectionist trait in women, but since men are wired so differently, maybe it really is a man thing.
Okay, so I’m reading chapter 7 right now, and it’s talking about the whole inadequate thing again, so I’m definitely thinking it’s a man thing and not a perfectionist trait. Can’t wait till your next post on this!