Photo by Pensiero
100 years ago or so, the norm was that families lived in communities. Carving a life out of empty farmland was too difficult for just one family. So they built communities. Families came together and helped one another with work and shared the burdens of a difficult life. When you live in community, you know people. You invest in their lives and you allow them to invest in yours. You share your joys and your sorrows. You share each others burdens. You allow yourself to be accountable with other people.
Somewhere along the way, we have lost this. Now in our selfish American culture we value strength and independence and an attitude of ”I don’t need help, I can do this all by myself” mentality. Strength and independence are not bad things of course, but what has happened is that we have made ourselves islands. We are not in the habit of allowing people in to our lives, to our pain. Pain and sorrow are considered weaknesses and looked down upon when spoken about. And because of this we feel lonely. Do you feel lonely? I do sometimes for sure. This, “I can do it all by myself” attitude has been a personal struggle of mine for some time. When I was newly married, I was actually set up with a mentor to walk with me through life…we met for a while, but it eventually fizzled because I was vain and arrogant and decided for the most part that I didn’t need anyone to show me how to do life! How sad for me! “I don’t need your help. I don’t want your help. I can figure out how to do it on my own.” And you know what it’s created? Pride. And loneliness. When you and everyone around you has that attitude, it’s isolating. You feel as though whatever it is you’re dealing with on a personal level is your problem. No one has ever experienced it. You are alone. No one else understands.
I think though that God knew that this was going to be difficult for us…in fact, I’m sure He did. How many references are there in the Bible about friendship, or loving your neighbor, or how to treat others, or heck, not to seek vengeance. =) I can think of several off the top of my head and I don’t even have a Bible in front of me. God designed us for relationships. We need them. Every relationship that you have is like a mirror. Especially that with you spouse, but also those with your friends. You need to allow your friends to be mirrors. They need to be free to show you who you really are. Both the good and the bad. [And may I just say as well, that sometimes seeing the good is just as shocking as seeing the bad.] When we become independent from others, we lose that mirror. And we can’t see ourselves and who we really are and what we are becoming, then the image gets distorted. And sooner or later we’re not even close to reflecting God. We’re just reflecting ourselves.
From personal experience I know that there is healing in being vulnerable with others. You find out that you’re not alone and there is something so powerful in knowing that others struggle with the same things that you do. God says this in Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three is not easily broken.”
Ladies, we need each other! How are you doing with this? Are you seeking out friendships that will challenge you? That will help you grow? That will help point you towards Jesus? Are you seeking other women, perhaps older women to help you learn how to love your husband and children and to be the keeper of your home like it says in Titus 2? If not, why? May I challenge you to do this? I challenge you to start praying and asking God to bring these relationships into your life! Try it out and see what He does. God values relationship, and so should we.
I am such a firm believer in mentor-ship and accountability. I agree that our culture is far too independent. Not only do we miss out on fellowship, community, and shared wisdom, but so do our children.
I think that God especially wired women to need that community and we do ourselves a disservice by not seeking it out! Thanks for the gentle nudge to be intentional in seeking those relationships!
Mentoring takes time… something that we as Americans never seem to have enough of. Maybe that is because we always want to do it ourselves, not realizing that, “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, NLT
I have mentored for years, it takes a lot of time, I will not tell anyone otherwise, it takes commitment, something else that many people have difficulty with.
Kristi, thanks for taking the time to start this website!