photo by Thomas Hawk
So now we get down to the nitty gritty of how to change your sex life. If you’re just joining us, please first read Part 1 and Part 2 before continuing on. You will need to get the context for what I’m about to talk about.
First of all, I want to say something that I believe is important to recognize. I believe that a good sex life will flow much easier from a healthy marriage. This isn’t to say that if everything in every other area of your relationship is peachy keen, that your sex life will automatically be perfect. Sex in and of itself takes work and lots of practice to get it right. But what I do mean is that it will be much easier to have a good sex life if you have a healthy marriage. Chances are, I believe, if you have a sex problem, you likely have a marriage problem.
Sex is not a separate issue from the other areas of your relationship. Imagine that your marriage is an apple tree. The apples represent the sex part of your relationship. If your apple tree is producing apples that are full of worms, or bugs, or are ugly, you have a much bigger problem than the apple. You need to first look at the tree and see what is happening with that. Do the roots need more water? Does it need more sun? Does it need a spray of protection against pests? Your problem is not the apple. Your problem is the tree. I think it’s the same in your marriage. Your problem is not the sex. Your problem is the marriage. Healthy apple tree = Healthy apples. Healthy marriage = Healthy sex life.
Let’s work through some steps for this.
Commitment
Yesterday I talked about what commitment should look like in a marriage for both a man or a woman. If you need a reminder, go HERE to re-read. Evaluate whether or not you have commitment issues. Does your husband have any area in his life where he has sexual sin? Even if it seems small or insignificant, it WILL affect your marriage and therefore your sex life, even if you don’t realize it. Do you have any areas where you are harboring bitterness towards your husband? Any places that you’ve hardened your heart towards him? Even if it seems small, there could be huge implications there for your relationship. Root out all of those dark places and bring them to light. The reason that this is SO important is because if there are areas where you do not trust your husband, you will not feel safe with your husband. And you must feel safe in order to have good intimacy.
Pray
Even if it feels strange to think about, I want you to know that God cares deeply about your sex life. Marriage is the way that He has chosen for us to reflect His unconditional love to the world around us. It is important- no- NECESSARY that we get this right. For better or worse, like it or not, THIS is His plan. There is no plan B. We either do this right, or God’s plan will be thwarted. It is URGENT that we understand this. Right now, we don’t. If you look at the statistics of marriage in America you will see that marriage, even for Christians, is a DISASTER. Pray that God will reveal to you areas of darkness in your marriage. Pray that He will help you bring them to light. Pray that He will bring healing and restoration to those hurting areas of your life and your marriage. Pray hard.
Cultivate your friendship
Can you honestly say that you are friends with your spouse? Do you enjoy spending time together? Would you rather spend time with your spouse than with your girlfriends? The friendship part of the marriage relationship is an often overlooked part, but it is really important. You need to be friends first and invest in that area of your relationship. Do something fun together. Josh and I just finished up taking a 4 week dance class together. It wasn’t that expensive. We learned how to do Jive Swing. It is so easy to get stuck in a rut on your date nights (if you even have them!) of dinner/dessert and maybe a movie. It was so fun to get out of that rut and do something new that we both enjoyed. It continues to be fun when there’s music on in the house and he’ll grab me and we’ll do our dance moves in the living room. The kids love it, too. It makes both of us laugh together. Make sure you don’t overlook the importance of fun in your marriage. Laugh. Tease. Dance. Chase each other. Wrestle. Have adventures. Be his friend.
Connect
Did you know that a man connects emotionally to his wife through sex? Can you guess how a woman connects emotionally to her husband? It’s through talking. Spend time each day (especially prior to having sex) talking with your spouse about something other than the kids. Talk about your day, your frustrations, your feelings, whatever. Allow him into every area of your life, and also allow yourself to enter into his life. You will not be able to connect physically until you have connected emotionally.
Books
There are a ton of good books out there available to you. A few ideas for some Christian books on sex are; A Celebration of Sex by Dr. Douglas Rosenau, Intended for Pleasure by Ed and Gaye Wheat, The Act of Marriage by Tim LaHaye. These are some basic, how-this-is-supposed-to-work kind of books. Other books to read are; No More Headaches by Juli Slattery and Red Hot Monogamy by Bill and Pam Ferrel or God is in the Bedroom Too by PB Wilson. Also, I would highly suggest listening to some audio books on sex together. Especially if you are uncomfortable talking about intimate things. Hearing the words said out loud helps you to be a little more comfortable with saying them yourself, and as you listen together, it is much easier to say, “Yes, agree with that”, or “That sounds nice”, instead of having to come up with and communicate these ideas on your own.
Kissing
One last tip. Do not underestimate the importance of kissing. Do you remember the movie Pretty Woman with Julia Roberts? She is a prostitute who gets hired by this business man to be his companion for a week. There is a scene where he tries to kiss her and she says no. Apparently the rule is that a prostitute does not kiss while having sex because it’s far too familiar and intimate. It is often easy to overlook kissing and go for the “good” stuff. But I have found that kissing makes all the difference. It is a necessary emotional connection for me. Kiss your husband. Kiss him well, for a long time.
What about you? Do you have any good advice to add?
I haven’t read it yet, but I’ve heard that Sheet Music is also a really good book! It changed my friend’s marriage.
I just found your website through the Raising Homemakers link up and I just caught up on all 3 articles. First let me say, thank you for writing about this topic. It is refreshing and encouraging. Secondly, thank you for your courage and your honesty.
My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years and the past 5 have been spent being pregnant and/or nursing. My sex drive plummeted for obvious reasons. I know all of what you said is important but I needed the reminder! The Lord has been showing me how I need to make my husband a priority, I need to draw him out and make sure he knows how much I value him. I never thought I would let kids become an excuse but subconsciously they did and it hurts to admit that. Our pastor says the same thing about a Healthy relationship= a Healthy sex life. He told us that what goes on in the bedroom is a reflection of the strength and communication of the marriage.
Anyways, thanks again! I look forward to perusing your sight more!
Oh and I forgot to add that when one of is a little sick, we’ll forgo the kissing sometimes and I always think of that part of Pretty Woman. It’s true – kissing is huge in building intimacy!
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