photo by katie tegtmeyer

I was born in Washington but moved to Oregon when I was a baby and have lived here all my life.  I was actually born on Father’s Day and I still like to think of myself as the best Father’s Day gift ever. =)

I am the middle child, I have an older and younger sister.  I don’t know if I am the typical “middle child”, I gave up trying to figure that out in high school.  I have always been quiet and I have always disliked conflict, I am a people pleaser wnd want people to like me.  I fit perfectly between my sisters because they are both much more out going than I am.  They were the drama student, the athlete and cheerleaders.  I was very shy at school and I know that it probably came across as me being stuck up, but I was far from that.  I found that when I did have something to say, God gave me the voice to do so.  I ran for class president in 8^th grade, gave a speech in front of the whole student body and won.  In high school I had a teacher who was very outspoken about his views and beliefs and slammed anyone who didn’t agree, so I chose to do a paper on Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.  And then when he got over the shock of that paper I did one on pro-life.  I was part of an abstinence group that spoke at the jr high schools.  I had a close group of friends, women I still count myself lucky to know.

My life at home when I was growing up was very loving, very warm, and very supportive, and very fun.  My mom was always there for us after school, she was easy to talk to and was always honest with us.  She is a strong, amazing woman.  My dad made it a point to take us out on “daddy/daughter” dates.  I remember him having a rose delivered to school on Valentine’s Days.  Both my parents were present at any special event in our lives, cheering us on.  I never doubted their love for each other and for us.  I loved growing up with sisters, even though we fought and didn’t always get along, they are my best friends, and I love them so much.  I have amazing memories of growing up with them and we are even closer as we have gotten older.  My parents became believers in 1985 and we started attending the church that I still go to.  I accepted Christ when I was 11.  I remember attending “See You At the Pole” events in jr high and most of the time I would be the only person out there.  I grew up going to bible camp and even working out there and each summer I would come away feeling revived and on fire.  I was actively involved in my youth group, but I don’t think that I fully grasped my relationship with God until my freshman year at bible college.  I remember sitting in class and hearing the school president tell us how God desires us, he pursues us, he wants us and feeling completely vulnerable and astounded by God’s love for me.  Little did I know that I would need this reminder later on in life.  After 2 years of college I quit to work full time and get my first apartment with friends.  I have regretted dropping out of college.  At the time I loved the idea of working full time and living with friends and it was a way to escape the academic stress and disappointment in myself that I was feeling.

I didn’t date in high school, I saw the heartbreak that my friends went through and I didn’t want that.  I dated some in college but again, I did not want to be the one left with a broken heart so I was always the one to end things.  It took me going to counseling after my divorce to realize that it was a defensive move on my part, to try to protect my heart, to keep control in this area of my life.  I met Geoff, my ex husband, the summer of 1999.  He was my first kiss, my first love.  He lived in California and quickly moved up to Oregon in November.  We were engaged August 2000 and were married June 2001.  Before we were married I found out that he was on anti-depressant medications.  A month after we were married he told me that he had been hospitalized in college because of what he described as stress.  I didn’t know what to do with this information or even what it meant.  I just knew that I was in love and that would make every thing right, wouldn’t it? He decided to go back to school and, on the evening of his first class and married barely 2 months, we found out we were pregnant.  I remember feeling a little scared to tell him, and nervous to tell our parents, I’m not sure why, maybe because it was unplanned and it happened so quickly after getting married.  When our son arrived things seemed perfect.  He was enjoying school and work and we had a very healthy, very adorable baby boy.  I loved staying home and being a mom, things were tight but we were happy.  Then he lost his job and things started to go change, he would stay in bed for hours on end, he withdrew from our little family.  I would have still said that things were perfect, that we were happy and everything was wonderful.  Even though I knew it wasn’t.  I grew up watching my dad work hard for our family, love our mom, be involved in our lives and what I was seeing happen before my eyes was not “right” and it was already starting to slip out of my hands and I was desperate to hold on to it and make it seem “right”.  It wasn’t until years later that I could see how I was already trying to hide things and make them appear how I wanted things to.

To be continued…