photo by Rachel Ford James
This is part two of my story- the most difficult one to write. If you haven’t read part 1, go HERE to read that first. I would also like to reiterate that my wonderful husband has read, approved and encouraged this post.
As you can imagine, our marriage started out a little rocky. We had done the only thing that we could think of to do in eloping, but not all our friends and family were exactly thrilled. We had some ground to make up. Our first year of marriage was wonderful but difficult. I truly loved being married and didn’t take it for granted that we were finally together after having to fight so hard for it. It was also difficult, but not in the way that we expected. In part, the difficulty came probably because we didn’t have a lot of support around us for figuring out how to be married. But also because we rarely saw each other. Josh was working full time, going to school full time, singing in an Accapella group called Rescue AND was working on recording their first album. I was also working nearly full time as well, and many of my shifts were in the late evening. Needless to say, it caused some tension and conflict in our relationship.
Eleven months after our marriage, we got a surprise. We were pregnant! Although we both wanted children, we had planned to wait another year or so before trying. But obviously God had other plans. Because of my “morning” sickness, and because I was around food a lot at my job that made me feel even sicker, I quit my job soon after discovering my pregnancy. Looking back, I wish that I would have thought to use those months to prepare for being a stay at home mom. You know, like making cleaning schedules and learning how to keep a house and make meal schedules etc, etc. But I never even realized that being a stay at home mom required discipline or routine, or was anything that needed learning. Instead I sat around and ate a lot of Oreo’s, made a lot of macaroni and cheese and watched a lot of Matlock. Oh how much I have learned over the years!
If you would have asked me, early on, if we had a good marriage, I would have told you, without a doubt, yes indeed. We had one of the best marriages that I had personally ever observed. (Which probably isn’t saying much… either for my observation skills OR the quality of marriages that I had been exposed to.) And yet, looking back, I see that there were definitely areas where we weren’t connecting. We were both selfish in different ways. We did not serve one another, we served ourselves. Josh loved me, and showed it better than my dad ever had, so I thought things were great. Perhaps I felt as though there were so many people that were against our marriage, that we had to prove that it was working and that we were right in getting married. We served in the group Rescue for several years and then made the decision that it wasn’t going to ultimately be the environment we wanted to raise our family in, so we transitioned out of that. We got pregnant and had our second son.
It was about 5 years into our marriage that I found out about the pornography. I remember, vividly, feeling like my whole world was crumbling around me. My husband confessed that he not only had viewed pornography, but that it was something that happened on a regular basis and something that had been happening before our marriage even began.
I was absolutely crushed. My heart was broken. I felt utterly betrayed. I couldn’t breathe. He confessed these ugly things to me and I sobbed. I remember not feeling like I could be in the same room with him, so I left. But not having many friends at the time, I didn’t have anywhere to go. I ended up driving around for a while and finally going to my mom’s house where I continued to sob and cry for a long time.
It was my fault, it must be. The thoughts I had always had about my body not being beautiful must be true. I must not be sexy enough. Maybe I was doing something wrong in sex. I wasn’t pretty enough. I somehow wasn’t being a good enough wife. It was my fault, I knew it was. Because obviously there was some way that he wasn’t being fulfilled and it was my job to fulfill him. All these lies that I had believed, all these insecurities that I had, had never felt more true.
This confession was the first that I remember in a long line of confessions. This began the vicious and painful cycle of confession, pain, forgiveness, rebuilding trust, hoping it wasn’t going to happen again and then another confession again when I least expected it. And you know what? I tried everything. When he would confess to me, sometimes I would get angry and try to make him understand how badly this really hurt me. Because if he just understood how badly this hurt, he wouldn’t do it. I tried being loving and filled with grace and forgiveness and forgiving him right away. Not out of manipulation, but because I was trying to figure out how I was supposed to respond to these confessions. Nothing seemed right.
If you would have asked me in these middle years of our marriage if we had a good marriage, I would have still said yes… except for the pornography. In my mind, the pornography was something that was bad and hard and needed to be worked through, but it didn’t really have a large effect on the rest of our marriage. It was a secondary and compartmentalized problem as far as I was concerned. In fact, it was during this time that we got pregnant with and gave birth to three beautiful triplet girls. A truly wonderful life-changing event.
My girls are my daily proof that God indeed does give more than you can ask or imagine!
Come back tomorrow for Part 3.
Kristi, I overheard a hubby that works with a local pornography recovery group “Pure…” can’t remember exactly… and he was saying that the stat is 67% for church or not. The statistic is the same. It’s very real. Man + Computer + Pictures. Accountability and filters here… And it’s not always the hubby.
You are brave and I admire and respect you.
Aleta
Thanks Aleta! Are you thinking of Pure Desire?
Yes, that’s it. His wife hoes hospitality at Monday school (Homeschool group) and he teaches a class about hmmmm… Something machine for kids related.
Wow…very real. This is truly the “dirty little secret” that SO many deal with…or sadly DON’T deal with due to shame. The program is called Pure Desire. There is also a group for the spouse who is dealing with all the hurt and shame that comes from this issue. Our church runs both. The camp also has hosted Pure Desire retreats. Micah had gone through the program at church but it really is something that is most effective if they stay connected on a long term bases. Message me if you want info. Micah was going to re-engage w/ the group to stay accountable.
Kristi,
Thank you so much for sharing such a vulnerable and personal side of your story. You are brave to do so, as is Josh, to give you his blessing to share so openly. I love how I’m getting to know you better through your sacrifice of words.
Thank you Kristi and Josh for being willing and open to share your story! A friend once told me that When sin is dealt with in secret/darkness, that’s when the Enemy can bring shame, guilt, ect. But when sin is brought into the Light, that’s when healing and the truth of God’s love and forgiveness can begin. I’m sure telling this part of your story is very hard, but know that even if some of us haven’t dealt with this specific issue, we all deal with other “junk.” I’m positive that your story is going to reach many couples who are struggling with this issue, who are dealing with it in the dark, and hopefully in reading this, they can begin their healing, in God’s truth and Light. Thanks again for sharing. There is POWER in brokenness and story telling!!!