phoyo by harold.lloyd
Have you heard that saying before? That “Hurt people, hurt people”? I have. I’m guessing most of you have probably heard it too.
While I think that the quote is insightful in a way, I don’t believe that it’s entirely accurate. I believe that it’s good to have an understanding that sometimes when people react in ways that are hurtful, and don’t always make rational sense to us, that likely they are responding out of their own pain and/or experiences. And in that way it’s important to extend grace to that person instead of lashing out and/or fighting with them. So in that way, I think that quote is good.
However, there are a few things that bother me about that quote. First of all, it almost seems like there is no room for change, growth, or personal accountability in that statement. It almost feels as if we are saying, “I know that you have been hurt, and life sucks for you… so I understand that you have no choice then but to hurt me.” or “I’ve been hurt, so therefore I have the right to hurt others.”
But both of those feelings or statements are false. And more than just false, they are sinful!
The thing is, ALL of us have been hurt. You cannot go through life on this earth and not be hurt by someone. While it is true that some of us have way bigger and more difficult hurts in our lives than others, we all have, at some point, been hurt by someone else. We are all broken, we are all selfish, and we are all sinful. We all do things that will, at one point hurt others in our life. And every one of us, at some point will be hurt by someone else. It’s just a fact of life.
The question is then, what do we do with that hurt?
Well, we have two choices really. #1- we either let go of our control, forgive and let God heal us from our hurt, or #2- we keep our “control” and grow bitter. That’s it… those are our only choices.
The quote, “Hurt people, hurt people” is, I believe, referring to those people who have chosen option #2. And really, most times, this is the easiest and most natural response for us. In our flesh, it feels so easy to want to hold on to that pain. To make the other person “pay” for what they did. When we hold on to that pain, we hurt others because we are still feeling that pain and we are responding out of that pain. Our emotions are always close to the surface and we are ready to fight at a moment’s notice. Our triggers are instantaneous. We lash out at those around us with hardly a provocation.
I get that. I’ve been there. I’ve done that. And I’ve had it done to me.
Ephesians 4: 29-32 says: ”Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you.”
There is SO much wisdom in that little passage. If we do not let go of bitterness, rage and anger, then we will continue to brawl and slander one another. We will never be able to be kind and compassionate to one another, nor will we be able to speak words to others that they will be able to hear.
That’s what happens when hurt people turn bitter.
Bitter people hurt people.
So, what is the other option for us? Option #1 is that we let go of our control, forgive and let God heal us from our hurt. This is… unnatural. And really, really hard. It’s also not optional if we are to be Jesus followers. (Matthew 6:14-15, Matthew 18:21-22, Mark 11:25, Colossians 3:13, etc…) If you love Jesus and call yourself a Christian, you have NO CHOICE but to forgive those who hurt you. It’s not a suggestion, but rather a command.
Why do we hold on to anger and bitterness, if Jesus himself commands us that we must let it go? Because it’s easier. Because it’s more natural. We feel justified. We have issues with pride (they don’t deserve to be forgiven for that… even though I know I’ve been forgiven for MY sin). We somehow feel that if we forgive them, then they win. Because forgiving someone for the hurt that they’ve caused us is one of the most difficult things we will ever do.
I have fairly recently walked through this process of forgiveness in my life. Although I don’t have all the answers I wish I had, I thought I might offer some suggestions for how to work through it.
Pray
Perhaps this seems obvious. I would suggest praying for a couple different things. First of all, pray and ask God to help you forgive them. He wants you to forgive and He will honor that desire. Secondly, I would tell you to pray for the person that hurt you. Don’t pray for things like asking God to strike them down or anything. =) But pray that God will bless them and bring good things into their life. This is really, really counter-intuitive. But I believe that this is one way that God can help us see His heart for that person. Remember, God loves that person just as much as He loves you.
Seek Wise Counsel
You need to be really careful here. Our natural tendency is to slander people who we are angry at. So be careful not to do that. But- having someone in your life who is older and wiser to speak truth to you is helpful. In my case, I had a older and wiser woman both validate my feelings and tell me that I really didn’t have any choice but to forgive them. Hearing her say that was exactly the kick in the pants I needed to actually be able to do it. In some cases, especially if you are working through issues of abuse or other major issues, you may need to seek out some Christian counseling to more effectively help you work through some difficult emotions.
Do it Again, and Again
Even after you have chosen to forgive, chances are that old feelings of hurt and resentment will inevitably resurface. When that happens, hand it back over to God. Do not hold on to those feelings. If you hold on to them, they have a tendency to get bigger. Continue doing that each and every time those feelings come back.
Forgiveness is Mandatory, Reconciliation is Not
A lot of people, myself included, have gotten these two things confused. But I wanted to remind you that these two words mean very different things. Forgiveness takes one person to accomplish. It is one-sided. Even though it’s hard, we are commanded to do it.
Reconciliation on the other hand, takes two people. The hurt person forgives and the person who caused the hurt repents and works towards restoring that relationship.
You cannot have reconciliation if person #2 does not repent. [And by the way, apologizing does not always mean repentance either.] Do not get hung up on the idea that you cannot forgive until or unless the other person apologizes OR hung up on the idea that when you forgive your relationship will automatically be restored. If the person who has hurt us, has a history of hurting us in the same way, without apology or repentance, then sometimes we have to understand that our relationship with that person has to change.
Forgiveness does not equal reconciliation.
So what do you think? Do hurt people, hurt people?
All I can say is, thank you. Thank you for posting this piece.
I agree that bitter people hurt people. I was wondering though….. what if you’re on the receiving end of the hurt? What then? If the hurt/bitter person is continually hurting person number 2, what does person number 2 do to protect themselves and keep themselves from becoming hurt and bitter also?
Audrey, that is a really tough question and a really tough situation.
I guess that I would say again, that it is person #2′s responsibility to make sure they are living in forgiveness toward that person, even though it is hard. But also to remember that the relationship between the two people is likely going to have to look different between them.
If you are in a relationship where one person is constantly hurting another and unrepentant about it, I think that it is important then for the second person to make sure to “guard their heart” towards the other person. Easier said than done a lot of times depending on the closeness of the relationship. But sometimes it’s not wise of us to open ourselves up to continue to be hurt over and over again by an unrepentant person. Proverbs says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”
I believe that it is perfectly acceptable in that type of situation to figure out which areas you are being hurt in… and then put up some healthy boundaries in that relationship until things can be resolved.
Thanks, that actually really helps me.
This is good. I struggle so with forgiveness as every time something “new” happens all the old comes right on back. It’s a constant struggle to forge ahead and I do get stuck in the mud. God will see me through to the other side of this, of that I am confident. Your words were timely for me today. If God brings me to your mind, I covet your prayers.