Photo by Eugenie
Dear Older Women,
I am writing you this letter today to tell you two very important things. #1. You. Are. Valuable. and #2. We desperately, desperately need you.
I am 31 years old and not ashamed of it. When I was in my teens, I was insecure (um, who isn’t in their teens?) but pretty much thought I was great. In my 20′s, I was newly married, thought I had it all together- because of course, I married the right guy and I was pretty good. Then a baby came along. I had that all under control, too…you know, because I used to baby-sit so much in high school. And really, the baby thing came fairly naturally. Both the making and the tending to, if I’m being honest.
But then I turned 30. And my world turned upside down. Literally. Life got hard.
I have a 10 year old boy now…and frankly, that scares the hell out of me. I don’t know how to BE with a 10 year old boy. He’s approaching manhood, which I know very little about. Thankfully, I have a husband who is intentionally walking through this with him. But, I don’t know how I am supposed to be! He makes weird sounds, and does strange things that girls just don’t do. He wrestles. It’s completely foreign to me. For the first time in my life, I don’t know what the heck to do as a parent.
When I turned 30 all of a sudden my “perfect” marriage got really hard. And it wasn’t that anything “new” happened…it was just that I finally got smacked in the face with the realization that my marriage wasn’t actually perfect. I know that sounds weird, but I can’t describe it any better than that. I guess for the first 10 years of my marriage, I walked around in a subconscious denial about my life and my marriage…or maybe God didn’t allow me to see the truth until I was more able and ready to handle it. Whatever the case, dealing with the depths of what that actually meant was hard. Really hard.
When I turned 30, all my friendships started on a journey towards doing a 180 degree turn. Friends that I thought were close, were not. And friends that I thought were not close, became so. Learning how to walk through that was challenging, to say the least.
When I turned 30, God started the process of digging the weeds out of my heart and my soul. I realized that I am not, in fact, “all that”. I’m not that great. I am a sinner just like everyone else. And as stupid as that sounds, that was a hard pill to swallow.
Until fairly recently, I have never had an older woman pursue me. Offer to walk along side of me, encourage me and do life with me. In large part, the fault is my own…I never realized that I needed anyone like this before.
Now I realize it. Other women around me are realizing it as well.
Titus 2:3-5 Says that “Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.
Older women, let me just say that we NEED you to teach us how to love our husbands…because sometimes- it’s the hardest thing we’ve ever done or will have to do. We need help learning how to love our children and how to raise them when we have absolutely no idea what we are doing. We need you to help us to be sensible…because, well, we are women. We need to see what it means to be pure, how to stay motivated to keep our homeward focus our main priority. And we desperately need to learn how to submit to our husbands. We do not want God to be dishonored with our lives. But we need help. We need direction. We need wisdom. We need older women in our lives.
And the problem that I am seeing…both in my own life as well as in the lives of other women my age, is that we can’t find them. We’ve looked.
There are VERY few women out there, that I am aware of, that have raised their kids and then intentionally seek out younger women to love and encourage and teach how to become Godly women and it has left women of my age with virtually no one to guide us. No one to walk along side us and no one to teach us how to become women after God’s heart. Some of us had great moms…some of us didn’t. But that’s not the point…I don’t believe that it’s good to go to your mom or mother in law when you need to talk to someone about your marriage…that’s just asking for trouble, no matter how good of a relationship you might have.
What we need is older Godly women who are not related to us to come along side of us and be willing to walk the hard roads with us. To be willing to pursue a relationship with us…might I even say, whether we think we need it or not. Someone to teach us through their own life experiences.
You might not think that you have anything to offer. Let me just tell you…you do! Just as a small example, last Saturday I had the privilege of taking part in, and video taping (for the website…watch for that at the end of this week!) a yearly tradition of a family at my church. Canning applesauce and peaches. They have done it every year since she had small children. I went over there thinking that we were just there to make the video…because of course, I have canned applesauce before and I knew how to do it. There wasn’t anything I needed to learn. Right? Wrong. I was amazed at the fact (I don’t know why…I guess I’m still learning) that I learned several things that day about canning! Imagine! My ONE year of doing it, didn’t magically equal the years and years of experience that they had canning applesauce. *gasp*
I guess my point is this- we as young women are very capable of picking up a book or finding a You Tube video on how to do something. And that is a great way to start. But there is something about simple experience that blows learning from a book right out of the water. Things that you wouldn’t know unless you had spent years doing it. And that is what we need.
So please, older women, I ask you, I beg you…please look around at young women around you, in your church, in your neighborhood….wherever God has placed you. And be on the lookout for women who might desperately need you. You may not think that you are needed. We 20-30 year olds are REALLY good at faking and pretending that we have everything all together. But more often than not, we don’t. Ask God to make it obvious to you which women might need you in their lives.
If I haven’t already made it clear…. we. need. you.
Sincerely,
Kristi
Oh Kristi…I can’t wait to share this blog with the older women at Grace Community Church. Do you know how often they feel left out, ignored, unneccessary, and obsolete? Do you know how often they hear younger people talk about, and make jokes about, old people? Do you know how lonely thier lives often are? We should know better than to let our age get the better of us…but we’re not perfect either. So, your words are incredibly valuable. Your sweet heart is incredibly appealling. And your challenge to us is incredibly thought provoking. So, let’s see where it goes from here. Thank you so much for writing your heart out. Love and joy, Sandy
I don’t think that we have any expectations of perfection from older women and I hope that they know that! To quote Sandy back to Sandy, “You don’t need to have a perfect marriage to serve, you just need to have a perfect heart.” =)
*sigh* You know that I couldn’t agree with you more, Kristi!
Sandy, it breaks my heart that the “older” women feel that left out or unnecessary. Nothing could be farther from the truth!
Excited to see where God takes this!
Wow! I am about to turn 30 and I sooooo know exactly where you are at! crazy 9 yr old -check, marriage (my eyes were finally opened)-check, friendships all of a sudden gone-check. This might sound strange but… I wish I were able to meet you and give you a big hug! This is my first visit to your blog, I’ll be back:)!
That doesn’t sound strange, Mandy- I’m not opposed to hugs. =)
I might be one of the younger readers you guys have, but this definitely transcends into my generation as well… or at least it does for me. I felt (and still sometimes feel) very alone as far as having someone to talk to on issues regarding marriage and children and just being a woman. It would be so great to be able to even have a get together with the older ladies in the church so that we can begin a dialog and socialize and become comfortable with each other
I am one of those ‘older’ women. I agree wholeheartedly that you need older women to guide you. We ALL do. Just a few years ago, I found one to disciple me! I figured that I had better hurry since there may not be many left for too long. (I’m 64.)
Our church had thrown out the question – is there anyone who wanted to be discipled? I had wanted an older woman in my life for myself for a long time. They made the arrangements and it has been delightful. Not only is she someone whose love of God is very evident, as is her love for me, we are both of Norwegian heritage and so much does not have to be explained – just laughed at.
You might want to check with your church, keep an eye out, invite a few ladies of all ages over; you just may make wonderful friends.
By the way, the same kinds of things happen to most of us. Our friendships change (we grow up), we become more aware of our relationships (or lack of one) with our husbands, we realize we really don’t know things. It is a part of life – but how you deal with them makes all the difference in the world.
Kristi,
I totally appreciated this post. I have often longed to be mentored by an older woman. To walk along side a older wiser women who has been where I am. You are right…we are too often good a faking that we have it all together. We need them. Thanks for the words that you shared.
Kristi,
Love your website! Be encouraged, dear sister!
I am one of those “kinda, sorta” older women who would LOVE to have an opportunity to mentor but didn’t know younger women felt the need. Thank you so much for sharing your heart and theirs as well. I think because I’m still trying to navigate through life I wonder if I have anything worth sharing…..but I have been around the block a few times and I have been married to the same lug for 27 years…… I guess maybe I do have a story to tell!
Also, remember this: Age does not necessarily bring wisdom! I have learned many valuable lessons through my younger, wiser sisters!